Frustration.

I haven't started a new post in a week. But, over the course of the last three days, too much has happened. I can't express it all, as it's too overwhelming, and I sound as if this is overdramatics. I suppose in a way, I am being overdramatic. But more importantly, in the end, this is nothing more than teenage romance and drama all wound together. But, bear with me if you will, and I'll attempt to put into words this mess of emotions I'm currently suffering.

Wednesday, was my next to last day of school, I came home, and did absolutely nothing. For the entire day, I talked to Nina, who is main character number one in this entire extravaganza. I realized she likes Jake, though this was quickly thrown out of my mind. After all they have been bestfriends for 16 years.

Thursday, was torturous. Complete with frustration, pain, and tears. I was still conversing with Nina. The few lines that started everything, was the fact that her mom's number one rule for moving back to California was no Jake.

Speaking of, I suppose you need a backstory.
Nina: Going through a divorce, her and Jake have been best friends since they were 5, though her soon-to-be exhusband, Andrew, (who cheated on her) asked her not to talk to him. So they spent three years without talking, they've recently regathered conversation, however. Has a one year old daughter named Sara.
Jake: 21. I met him in October, through myspace of all places. I guess what brings us together will tear us apart, though I pray it doesn't. He was cheated on, by his ex-fiance, so trust doesn't come easily for him. At least so he says. He has a two year old named Hailey.

Now, back to Thursday. Her mom says no Jake, because she thinks Jake will hurt her, like Andrew did. I simply made a joke, and said, "well tell your mom that Jake's taken [: haha justkidding." Her reply? "But Jake isn't taken :P" All of the emotions at that one comment can be described in one word: primitive. I wanted to go all velociraptor on her and rip her throat out. I wanted to strangle her, slap her, attack her, go all lioness like a lion pride on her. I wanted to kill her. But, I let it slide, and the conversation continued. Small talk, simple things, eventually, I told her I was backreading her surveys. Her surveys had Jake-related hints, which I went back to my primitive instincts upon reading. But, the one that I decided to ask about, was the 'boy she likes.' I asked who he was, to give me a description, in short. She replied with something along the lines of, My friend and I call him Bill (though robin i have a discretion about whether or not 'call him'). I asked what Bill was like, and don't get me wrong, this could fit anyone, but the description was as follows: "tall, sandy blonde hair, clean-shaven, adorable, sweet, and can always make me smile." the last three are upon the describer's discretion, however, Jake's 6'2" with sandy blonde hair. And he hardly ever has facial hair. I was on the phone with Kaela at this point, and upon reading this, I fell into 3 A.M. fragility.

Another sidenote, 3 A.M. fragility. It's the thing you get late at night, when you feel like you can do anything, can say anything, everything seems surreal, and you'll cry at the drop of a pin. Everything affects you more than it would if it was midday or you weren't sitting alone in your bedroom. But I wasn't even lying in my bed, I was sitting in the kitchen, because my little cousin was sleeping in my bed, hoping my family didn't ask why my eyes were so red, due to the fact that I couldn't explain that the guy I like (21, with a 2 year old, living in California,) may like someone else.

So on the phone, I fell into 3 A.M. fragility, crying too much for normal hours. Although, it was only breaking midnight at that moment. I postponed Nina, saying Kaela had called. I wanted to curl into a ball of self-pity and cry myself to sleep. But I held it together enough to sniffle through conclusions with Kaela.
1. She concluded that she thinks I may love him a little bit, though I don't agree with this conclusion. I don't know what love is, I have never been in love, I don't believe I'm in love. (Though she made a point that I do care for him a lot, considering there is a difference between jealousy and tears.)
2. She concluded that Nina likes him. Well. DUH. We all knew this one.
3. She concluded that he may like Nina. Kaela's not the type to lie. So, I knew this one was coming, albeit I didn't want to hear it.
4. She concluded that she doesn't believe something has happened.
5. She concluded that she believes something will happen. Unfortunately, this thought was already silently passing through my mind. He's 21. She's 21. She's moving back out there. I'm a 16 year old across the country in Georgia. No guy in his right mind would hold out for a 16 year old across the country when he has a willing female in front of him, the same age as him.

I had a headache and didn't want to sit here and think about any of this. So, I finally allowed Kaela to go to sleep, considering she had school Friday. And I tried to push all unfortunate thoughts that made my stomach do somersaults out of my mind. I crawled into bed, and fell asleep.

Friday, yesterday, last night, was bearable. I mainly filled Robin and Kaity in with the news, and had an interesting discussion on what we all think love is. Nothing new surfaced, but the thought of Nina and Jake kissing made my stomach churn. I knew they had kissed, I learned this from backreading her surveys and remembering what he told me. I'm not sure what kind of kiss it was, though. Makeout or simple goodbye? I guess I'll have to ask next time he's online.

A reason why I haven't asked him yet, as I'm sure you're wondering. Jake used to go to his brother's, all the time. His brother wanted to impress his new girlfriend. His brother lied and claimed Jake used him for his internet, and trashed his house. His parents put him on major lockdown. As in, internet only when they allow it, (which is usually just to talk to Nina). No phone calls unless they allow it, (which I don't have a number anyway.)

So Friday I spent my day lulling over these thoughts, and mainly just tried to drown out the world by playing video games. I eventually concluded that Jake wasn't getting online, and started to read. I read until about 5 AM, then I went to bed.

Today, Saturday. I do believe today's been the day the most tears have spilled. I am still torturing myself by stressing over the facts I've learned over the last few days. I can't help it, I try not to, and I do anyway. I try to play a video game, I die from daydreaming, I compare the characters in my book to the people around me. And I'm terribly worried that this obsession will continue until I can get answers, namely from Jake. I backread both Nina and Jake's comments. Which, I realize, probably isn't the smartest idea, considering the horrific way I seem to be fixated on this entire problem. However, they were conversing about something that has happened. May 9 was the date, which I also believe is the date Nina was heading back to Virginia. (She visited him, bytheway.) Something they'd done, details weren't given, because honestly, who would give details to someone through comments, especially if the person was their when whatever happened, happened? Anywho, something had happened, something that happened with them, in person. Jake was tired of waiting, both parties wanted to do whatever this something was, again. Nina asked if he regretted it, and Jake said he didn't regret it, just wished some things were different.

Now, I've become detached to write those last couple of sentences, because all the interjections would have made your brain implode. Let's see, I've heard it thrice now, from Kaity, Robin, and Kaela. DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. Which, I still have hope, however, my brain has already come to a conclusion. A conclusion that brings me to tears, makes my stomach turn into a gymnast, gives it nervous butterflies and knots, makes my heart feel likes its swelling, and my breath become short. A conclusion so revolting that makes me feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. So I attempt not to dwell on this conclusion or their comments, too long.
However, the conclusion I've come to is this: I believe they slept together. No beating around the bush, I said it. That thought makes me feel so completely vulnerable, and completely hurt, that I just want to curl back into a ball of self-pity, and never uncurl. Picturing them together, him waking up beside her, revolts me. But that's my conclusion. I also think that they could be talking about the kiss, however something deep inside me tells me its much more intimate than that. My head now hurts, considering these options though.

I feel as if I'm a human punching bag, being hit repetitively with their happiness. I'd hate to be near me when I find out the truth, if it is for the worse. I'm going to be strong though, no matter what, and I'm going to at least feign that I'm merely curious, and I won't be hurt by his choices or actions, or anything else that is said. And I think I'll be the best actress ever, for this role. However, I know that my family will rush in asking what's wrong within 5 seconds, because I know I'll scream, break something, and end up curling into a ball and just cry until the whole Earth is flooded. But for now, I refuse to do any of that, I'll just push these thoughts aside, and wait for my yahoo to say he's logged on. Time will tell, I'll attempt to keep the blog up. And try and keep my food down ;)