mm,

i was reading old messages and saving them on myspace.
and i blatantly called him sunshine more than once.
which hurts, because i remember the day nina was telling me,
"and i call him sunshine, because he seriously just brightens up my entire life.
he was like 'hmm? sunshine? i've never been called that before' and i was like,
well you brighten up my life so much (:"

haha. :|

=|

i could swear i'm sleeping less and less
the ocean's getting warmer, and california's on her mind.
i think about you all the time, i wonder what you're doing.
i wonder why you never cry.
you don't have to call any more.
don't want to hurt any more.
you might think i'm bulletproof, but i'm not.
and i need you like a heartbeat.
i told you i'm not bulletproof. now you know.
kiss me like you mean it. like you miss me.
i'm not gonna lie. i've been a mess.
i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet.
this ain't hollywood. this is a small town.
i was a dreamer, before you went and let me down.
don't mind me, if i get weak in the knees. 'cause you have that effect on me.
i could drive, and you could sleep. while the radio collides to the sound of our heartbeats.
the city looks so pretty, do you wanna burn it with me?
my insecurities could eat me alive.
i'm here without you, but you're still on my lonely mind.
your arms feel like home.
your voice was the soundtrack of my summer. do you know you're unlike any other?
so tell me how do i breathe; how do i deal without you?
four in the morning and the tears are pouring. and i wanna make it worth the fight.
god i wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.
i still miss you.
i'm gonna be alright.
when you flash up on my phone, i no longer feel alone.
how do i breathe, without you here by my side?
if you knew i cared, you'd have never went anywhere.
you should let me be the one to give you everything you want and need.
i miss the sound of your voice.
if i could walk on water, if i could tell you what's next...
make you believe, make you forget.
no matter what i do, all i think about is you.
you don't know what you mean to me.
it's all in my head, i think about it over and over again.
it hurts so bad.
i miss you. far away for far too long.
i keep dreaming: you'll be with me and you'll never go. stop breathing if i don't see you anymore.
with you, i'd withstand all of hell to hold your hand.
how the hell we'd wind up like this?
someday, somehow. i'm gonna make it alright.
now the story's played out like this. just like a paperback novel.
let's rewrite an ending that fits? instead of a hollywood horror.
you're like my favorite damn disease.
i think i need a bottle with a genie in it.
if i had one wish, i'd make you my whole life.
i'm not like any other girl you know.
i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. it's cliche, i know. but baby, it's the price we pay. to get the things we've wanted.
don't take another step, don't breathe another breath. unless you're coming back to me.
will you just hold me tight and never let me go?
i know this whole thing's wrong.
if i could take your heart, and keep it close to me. i swear it will not break. i swear it will not bleed.
my heart's open. for you.
tonight will be the night that i will fall for you, over again.
remember me tonight, when you're asleep.
we don't need anything, or anyone.
let's waste time.
if i lay here. if i just lay here. would you lie with me, and just forget the world?
it's your ability to make me earn this.
just let me sing you to sleep?
it's about how you laugh out of pity. 'cause let's be honest, i'm not really that funny.
if you need anything, just say the word. i mean anything.
it's your finger, and how i'm wrapped around it.
it's your grace, and how it keeps me grounded.
i was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.
now i feel your name, coursing through my veins.
you shine so bright, it's insane. you put the sun to shame.
how long i'll wait, just to say goodbye.
you could never let me in. holding on until the end.
the time i waste, just to say goodbye.
can't see you anymore, won't feel you anymore.
how long i'll stay, just to say goodbye.
summer's getting colder. drive all night, to hold you tight. back to california.
i guess we're getting older. we couldn't win in the end. you're gone.
are you wondering why this is happening? well, i am listening to my heart. speaking faster than ever before.
i got lost in the nighttime sky.
i miss you more every night. i feel like wasting my time.
i keep wondering why this is happening.
what's meant to be will always find a way.
i'd be lost if i lost you.
how do i live without you?
i want to know.
how do i breathe without you?
how do i ever, ever survive?
how do i, how do i, oh how do i, live?







"and if you don't like me. i'll kill you. JUSTSAYING."
"hahaha. NO PRESSURE."
":D"
:|

6 days

Six days without a post. Wow.
Millvina Dean died =(
That's sad, it's like, the end of an era. She's died, and now so has the last of the Titanic legacy. It feels as if everything about it will be forgotten now. :/
Jake's logging on Thursday, so yeah. I'm waiting.
I updated everything I have. myspace/twitter/facebook/stickam/tumblr/etc.
I dozed off around 9PM, and had a dream this crazy ass bitch was trying to fucking attack me and kill me, so I woke up around two and haven't went back to bed.
I created a tumblr, it's www.malloryy.tumblr.com
[:
Uhm, also, the stonehenge. Amazing theory.
Ready?
What if they lined it up with certain solar instances. Such as, the sun rising, the sun setting, the summer / winter solstice points, and, the spring/autumn equinox? And it's not as if they /knew/ that the eclipses only happen once every -insert number- years. So I mean, they could've lined some stones up with one of those. I haven't done all my research on this one, as you can probably tell. :/

I'm very scatterbrained, especially at night. I wanted to redo my myspace but I don't feel like it.

I also bought a bathing suit and a purse.
I need to have my roots touched up soon.
There was something else I had thought about, but I can't remember what it was.
D:
I guess I'll make a post when I remember.
Whatever,
my brain's going at 15548493830457403483029487504 miles per hour, but its not thinking anything important.
Sideeffect of being up all night?
Heh. I think so.

Fuck This.

I'm slightly angered at the moment, if you want the professional, well thought-out, well typed-up version.
I'll come back to that though.

Three nights ago, I found out Jake and Nina were going to start dating once her divorce was finalized and that they made out.
That night was torturous. I cried until I thought I couldn't have any tears left, I stayed up until I finally caved in to a Tylenol PM and went to bed around 5 AM. Tuesday, I sat at the house all day, moped, didn't really feel like doing anything. Jake was supposed to log on, but he couldn't.
Tuesday night, the dream happened. I don't know what it was about, as my memory is fuzzy, but I do know that I woke up sad. I moped all day again on Wednesday, and I finally decided I should do something. So I went to town and hung out with the youth group at Zaxby's.
It wasn't very exciting, and I came home and started to fall into the 'i miss the late night chats i used to have with jake and i miss all the things he said to me' sadness, so i started to read. I ended up finishing the book, and I went to bed around 6 AM. This morning, I woke up so many times.
I know I dreamed, I know it involved Danica [my sister] and I know it involved Jake. But, they were two separate dreams. I just remember Danica smiling and saying 'sissy' and I just remember Jake saying 'cheer up tiger, you're still my number one.' But, when I awoke, I remembered the Jake-dream much more clearly. I was sad, so incredibly sad, by the fact that he had said exactly what I wanted to hear in the dream. I woke up at 11:55AM, I know this, because I was sad, but I thought, maybe this mean's he's online, I have to check. So I grabbed my phone and checked, with no luck.
I went back to bed and had six people text me in a timespan of 20 minutes. I was ready to strangle someone, everytime I fell back asleep, my phone went back off.
I finally got up, and got dressed, Brady stopped by and we hung out for three hours.
Then I called Kaela and decided I wanted food.
So, I headed up to Zaxby's, still on the phone, there was a semi coming straight, and I needed to make a left turn. I thought I had time, but apparently it was going faster than I realized. I slammed on brakes, then hit the gas, and made it with not even a second to spare. I was very shaken by this, and I went inside to order food, telling Kaela she could call me later, as her phone was about to die. I went inside and ordered food, and as soon as I got in the car my loving, caring mother called.
"DON'T YOU EVER LET ME GET A PHONE CALL LIKE THAT AGAIN MALLORY"
"Mom, I didn't mean to"
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK YOU PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND YOU HANG UP."
"Mom, I thought I had enough time, but I'm okay."
And then I tuned her out, she bitched for a few minutes, I eventually hung up and called Tine. BUT MOM HAD BEAT ME TO IT. So I just hung up and cried for a little while. Then decided 'I'm a big girl, and big girls don't cry' So I headed home.
Now back to the 'slightly angered part.' This is going to be very explicit. So if you've never heard the word 'fuck' before, then this may be a shock.
To the person who phoned my mother: Thank you, SO FUCKING MUCH. I FUCKING THINK YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR OWN MOTHERFUCKING BUSINESS. DRIVE YOUR OWN FUCKING VEHICLE, AND LET ME WORRY ABOUT MINE, CUNT. I FUCKING HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, ASSHOLE. MY MOTHER BITCHED ME OUT AND MANAGED TO GET ME MORE UPSET THAN WHEN I ALMOST GOT PLOWED INTO THE SIDE BY A SEMI. IT'S NOT LIKE I EVEN WOULD'VE DIED, JUST BEEN HURT YOU FUCKING BITCH. YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING BUSINESS CALLING MY FUCKING MOTHER. FUCKING STALKER, HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS? FUCK YOU. I DIDN'T NEED MY MOM BITCHING ME OUT AFTER A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. NEXT TIME YOU JUST PATIENTLY WAIT FOR THE LIGHT TO TURN GREEN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, FUCKER. YOU DON'T NEED TO FUCKING CALL MY MOM AND RUN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH FOR THE PURPOSE OF 'INFORMING' HER. THERE WAS NOTHING TO INFORM, I WAS PERFECTLY FINE, AND I DIDN'T NEED MY MOM BITCHING ME OUT, ESPECIALLY WHEN I FUCKING MADE IT. SO FUCK YOU.
To my mother: DON'T FUCKING BITCH SOMEONE OUT AFTER A FUCKING NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE. AND THEN WHEN I FUCKING SAY, 'BUT I MADE IT' DON'T START FUCKING CRYING AND SAY HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART. FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME, I'M YOUR LEAST FAVORITE CHILD ANYWAY. IT DIDN'T FUCKING MATTER IF I GOT HIT, I WOULD'VE LIVED, SO QUIT BEING AN OVERDRAMATIC WHORE. [which is ironic considering this 'shouting' letter to these people.] I SWEAR, WHAT THE FUCK? 'OH DON'T FUCKING LET ME GET A CALL LIKE THAT' THEN I ACT LIKE IT DIDN'T PHASE ME AND YOU WANT TO START FUCKING CRYING AND GO ALL 'but what if my daughter would've been killed? i love you with my whole heart.' SCARY THINKING ABOUT WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED, ISN'T IT? WELL, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I ALWAYS THOUGHT AS A KID? 'what if mom never comes home, what if she overdoses? i love her oh so much.' BUT NO, YOU'RE A HEARTLESS SELF-CENTERED BITCH AND DON'T FUCKING PLAY THE 'I LOVE YOU' CARD. FUCK YOU. NEXT TIME I NEARLY DIE, JUST BUY SOME NICE FLOWERS FOR THE FUCKING FUNERAL. AND DON'T FUCKING TURN AROUND AND CALL TINE, SHE'LL RUN HER FUCKING MOUTH TO UNCLE DONALD. AND I KNOW YOU FUCKING RAN YOUR MOUTH TO EVERYONE ELSE. SO FUCK YOU. YOU JUST WANT ATTENTION, FUCKFACED FUCKER.






So on that note, I feel a little better, I'll try to keep you updated [:

&Tears.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I want to be mad, I want to kick and scream and throw shit and break people's necks and kill a motherfucker.
But, I'm not mad.
I'm reall not.
However, I am hurt.
11:30 last night, I finally found out the truth.
They're going to start dating once her divorce is finalized,
and the kiss was a makeout.
She said if I wanted to know anything else, I need to take it up with Jake.
And I cried non-stop for two hours.
Then I called Kaela,
and finally let her go to sleep around 2.
And I just felt empty.
Then I thought of everything he'd said to me, and wondered if it was all a lie.
But I don't think it was, at least, I don't want it to be.
Then my stomach did the sinking-feeling again.
And I felt like I was going to puke, and I just cried for another hour or so, and then I got it together and just logged back on and sat on the computer. I headed to bed around 4.

And maybe when the wound isn't so fresh, I can backread the conversation and let this be a little more descriptive.

Pain.

I had a dream last night, the dream is fuzzy upon remembering, but I do remember the basics: I confronted Jake, and I was awaiting his response. But, we were face-to-face. And he suddenly turned into a computer, and we were on IM once again. And I awoke three times, still awaiting his answer. I never received one, I guess my subconscious is fearing an answer as well. But an answer must come. The third time I awoke, I was in pain. Stomach pain, I was nearly doubled up in my bed, with stomach pain, it was making my head hurt as well, and I just attempted to go back to sleep, hoping the pain would subside. I woke up an hour later, with stomach pain again, wondering why I was in this much pain. The pain was an indescribable one, something between a cramp and a dull empty feeling, like you need to be punched in the stomach. Or hunger. Which is what I guessed was the reason for the pain, but I still wasn't hungry. I had no desire to eat. Which, coincidentally, is what I'm doing now. But, I decided I needed to get up, as it was nearly 10 AM in California, and if Jake was getting online in the morning, it was the opportune moment. Now, you may not realize how intense this need to talk to him is. Let me try to put it in words, I have two weeks worth of laundry to do, which I had planned on doing yesterday. I wasn't going to pull all-nighters on a nightly basis this summer, which so far, I pretty much have, heading to bed around 4 or 5 AM, East Coast Time. I spend 95% of the day in my bed, playing video games, texting, and of course, leaving the computer on in case he logs on. One thing, I HATE waiting. If I were to go to Hell, I'm sure I'd be placed in an eternal waiting room. Now, you probably are viewing me as an obsessed person at this moment, I'm not. Never have I waited this long for someone to get online, I usually get bored, and trust me, I have. But I can't risk missing him getting online, and having to wait another week. No, I will be online when he gets online, I will talk to him, and then I will continue life as it was before I learned all of these facts. I leave my bed to eat, and to use the restroom. I'm going to shower today, which sounds horrible, but I haven't had the time to leave the computer alone for long enough to shower. I showered Friday morning =/ I have an ingenius plan though, I'm going to get someone to watch yahoo for me, if he logs on, then they're going to tell him not to log off until I talk to him, then they're going to text me. Which I'm about to request Kaity to do, I do believe, as I REALLY need a shower. (GROSS.) This obsession isn't healthy, I understand this, but I need to talk to him, and I will, soon enough.

Frustration.

I haven't started a new post in a week. But, over the course of the last three days, too much has happened. I can't express it all, as it's too overwhelming, and I sound as if this is overdramatics. I suppose in a way, I am being overdramatic. But more importantly, in the end, this is nothing more than teenage romance and drama all wound together. But, bear with me if you will, and I'll attempt to put into words this mess of emotions I'm currently suffering.

Wednesday, was my next to last day of school, I came home, and did absolutely nothing. For the entire day, I talked to Nina, who is main character number one in this entire extravaganza. I realized she likes Jake, though this was quickly thrown out of my mind. After all they have been bestfriends for 16 years.

Thursday, was torturous. Complete with frustration, pain, and tears. I was still conversing with Nina. The few lines that started everything, was the fact that her mom's number one rule for moving back to California was no Jake.

Speaking of, I suppose you need a backstory.
Nina: Going through a divorce, her and Jake have been best friends since they were 5, though her soon-to-be exhusband, Andrew, (who cheated on her) asked her not to talk to him. So they spent three years without talking, they've recently regathered conversation, however. Has a one year old daughter named Sara.
Jake: 21. I met him in October, through myspace of all places. I guess what brings us together will tear us apart, though I pray it doesn't. He was cheated on, by his ex-fiance, so trust doesn't come easily for him. At least so he says. He has a two year old named Hailey.

Now, back to Thursday. Her mom says no Jake, because she thinks Jake will hurt her, like Andrew did. I simply made a joke, and said, "well tell your mom that Jake's taken [: haha justkidding." Her reply? "But Jake isn't taken :P" All of the emotions at that one comment can be described in one word: primitive. I wanted to go all velociraptor on her and rip her throat out. I wanted to strangle her, slap her, attack her, go all lioness like a lion pride on her. I wanted to kill her. But, I let it slide, and the conversation continued. Small talk, simple things, eventually, I told her I was backreading her surveys. Her surveys had Jake-related hints, which I went back to my primitive instincts upon reading. But, the one that I decided to ask about, was the 'boy she likes.' I asked who he was, to give me a description, in short. She replied with something along the lines of, My friend and I call him Bill (though robin i have a discretion about whether or not 'call him'). I asked what Bill was like, and don't get me wrong, this could fit anyone, but the description was as follows: "tall, sandy blonde hair, clean-shaven, adorable, sweet, and can always make me smile." the last three are upon the describer's discretion, however, Jake's 6'2" with sandy blonde hair. And he hardly ever has facial hair. I was on the phone with Kaela at this point, and upon reading this, I fell into 3 A.M. fragility.

Another sidenote, 3 A.M. fragility. It's the thing you get late at night, when you feel like you can do anything, can say anything, everything seems surreal, and you'll cry at the drop of a pin. Everything affects you more than it would if it was midday or you weren't sitting alone in your bedroom. But I wasn't even lying in my bed, I was sitting in the kitchen, because my little cousin was sleeping in my bed, hoping my family didn't ask why my eyes were so red, due to the fact that I couldn't explain that the guy I like (21, with a 2 year old, living in California,) may like someone else.

So on the phone, I fell into 3 A.M. fragility, crying too much for normal hours. Although, it was only breaking midnight at that moment. I postponed Nina, saying Kaela had called. I wanted to curl into a ball of self-pity and cry myself to sleep. But I held it together enough to sniffle through conclusions with Kaela.
1. She concluded that she thinks I may love him a little bit, though I don't agree with this conclusion. I don't know what love is, I have never been in love, I don't believe I'm in love. (Though she made a point that I do care for him a lot, considering there is a difference between jealousy and tears.)
2. She concluded that Nina likes him. Well. DUH. We all knew this one.
3. She concluded that he may like Nina. Kaela's not the type to lie. So, I knew this one was coming, albeit I didn't want to hear it.
4. She concluded that she doesn't believe something has happened.
5. She concluded that she believes something will happen. Unfortunately, this thought was already silently passing through my mind. He's 21. She's 21. She's moving back out there. I'm a 16 year old across the country in Georgia. No guy in his right mind would hold out for a 16 year old across the country when he has a willing female in front of him, the same age as him.

I had a headache and didn't want to sit here and think about any of this. So, I finally allowed Kaela to go to sleep, considering she had school Friday. And I tried to push all unfortunate thoughts that made my stomach do somersaults out of my mind. I crawled into bed, and fell asleep.

Friday, yesterday, last night, was bearable. I mainly filled Robin and Kaity in with the news, and had an interesting discussion on what we all think love is. Nothing new surfaced, but the thought of Nina and Jake kissing made my stomach churn. I knew they had kissed, I learned this from backreading her surveys and remembering what he told me. I'm not sure what kind of kiss it was, though. Makeout or simple goodbye? I guess I'll have to ask next time he's online.

A reason why I haven't asked him yet, as I'm sure you're wondering. Jake used to go to his brother's, all the time. His brother wanted to impress his new girlfriend. His brother lied and claimed Jake used him for his internet, and trashed his house. His parents put him on major lockdown. As in, internet only when they allow it, (which is usually just to talk to Nina). No phone calls unless they allow it, (which I don't have a number anyway.)

So Friday I spent my day lulling over these thoughts, and mainly just tried to drown out the world by playing video games. I eventually concluded that Jake wasn't getting online, and started to read. I read until about 5 AM, then I went to bed.

Today, Saturday. I do believe today's been the day the most tears have spilled. I am still torturing myself by stressing over the facts I've learned over the last few days. I can't help it, I try not to, and I do anyway. I try to play a video game, I die from daydreaming, I compare the characters in my book to the people around me. And I'm terribly worried that this obsession will continue until I can get answers, namely from Jake. I backread both Nina and Jake's comments. Which, I realize, probably isn't the smartest idea, considering the horrific way I seem to be fixated on this entire problem. However, they were conversing about something that has happened. May 9 was the date, which I also believe is the date Nina was heading back to Virginia. (She visited him, bytheway.) Something they'd done, details weren't given, because honestly, who would give details to someone through comments, especially if the person was their when whatever happened, happened? Anywho, something had happened, something that happened with them, in person. Jake was tired of waiting, both parties wanted to do whatever this something was, again. Nina asked if he regretted it, and Jake said he didn't regret it, just wished some things were different.

Now, I've become detached to write those last couple of sentences, because all the interjections would have made your brain implode. Let's see, I've heard it thrice now, from Kaity, Robin, and Kaela. DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. Which, I still have hope, however, my brain has already come to a conclusion. A conclusion that brings me to tears, makes my stomach turn into a gymnast, gives it nervous butterflies and knots, makes my heart feel likes its swelling, and my breath become short. A conclusion so revolting that makes me feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. So I attempt not to dwell on this conclusion or their comments, too long.
However, the conclusion I've come to is this: I believe they slept together. No beating around the bush, I said it. That thought makes me feel so completely vulnerable, and completely hurt, that I just want to curl back into a ball of self-pity, and never uncurl. Picturing them together, him waking up beside her, revolts me. But that's my conclusion. I also think that they could be talking about the kiss, however something deep inside me tells me its much more intimate than that. My head now hurts, considering these options though.

I feel as if I'm a human punching bag, being hit repetitively with their happiness. I'd hate to be near me when I find out the truth, if it is for the worse. I'm going to be strong though, no matter what, and I'm going to at least feign that I'm merely curious, and I won't be hurt by his choices or actions, or anything else that is said. And I think I'll be the best actress ever, for this role. However, I know that my family will rush in asking what's wrong within 5 seconds, because I know I'll scream, break something, and end up curling into a ball and just cry until the whole Earth is flooded. But for now, I refuse to do any of that, I'll just push these thoughts aside, and wait for my yahoo to say he's logged on. Time will tell, I'll attempt to keep the blog up. And try and keep my food down ;)

England

I forgot to make a post yesterday, as I wasn't home. Oh well, I went to a meeting for England and France today, the departure date is June 29, the return date is July 16. I only have one month to pack?!?! JEEZ. :(

Ah well, today's been pretty uneventful, came home, went to the meeting, came home again, went to sleep, woke up with a headache. :(

Eh, I'm considering going back to sleep.

Stress-Induced

I've been insanely over-tired this week. I've had a thousand and one things to do, and its all piled up until tonight. Honestly, I feel as if I'm falling apart from the inside out. I don't even know if I'll get to bed tonight. 10 tons of mountain dew and a lot of chocolate may be what gets me through tomorrow. But I have to sleep sometime, otherwise Caitie's house will be major boring and tiring. And I don't want to be a lame guest. I have a research paper to write, a science project to publish (it always gets stuck at 36%!!!), a geography project to do, and I have a literature project I'm not even considering starting. +LAUNDRY. Are you kidding me? Ah well, tonight should be interesting, as I'm already ready to crash. I sleep way too much. Summer's so close, and I'm almost looking forward to it, considering the amounts of time I'll be able to slack off, ignore my responsibilities, and just sleep, all the time. (: But then I think of next year, of graduation, of everyone leaving, of EVERYONE leaving, and I come near a panic attack considering school without them. Majority rules, and the majority of the time, people lose contact. Also, I think of who I could possibly like at school, because I'm so tired of being single, and the same recurring thought appears. If I date someone from school, I won't tell him about Jakob. However, if I date someone from school, I'll tell Jakob about him. That means, the 'boyfriend' becomes a filler for x amount of time, the boyfriend doesn't know this, he gets hurt in the end. Jakob knows the truth from the beginning, and gets hurt all the way through. I swear, life would be a 1000 times easier if Jakob lived here. However, he doesn't, and I only talk to him every couple of weeks when he logs in. 3000 miles may not be that far, with all of the technological and transportation advances, but at 16, he may as well be around the world, or on Mars.

On an unrelated note, Erin Dakota Davison died her sophomore year, and would've graduated this year. The seniors did a memorial for her at the yearbook presentation, and my thoughts were as follows:

- If she would've been a senior this year, she died her sophomore year. Giving people two years to mourn for her, before she's sort of forgotten, or the hype dies down.

- Everyone gets really emotional everytime they play a memorial for her,

- (As much as this disgusts me,) I could die right now and be in her shoes and have that much attention.

- I could immortalize myself with death.

- I could be her.

>.

A Letter

Today was alright. They always play sad music when the seniors walk in. It was a sad occassion, and thinking about not having the class of 09 walking through the halls reminds me of last year, when the class of 08 were retiring their senior status. Next year is the dreaded class of 10 though. The year I know I'll bawl. Well, I tend to tie up loose ends at the end of the year, so of course I left a few sentimental yearbook pages, (and coincidentally the person who was rudest to me all year left a nicer sentiment than the people I actually fell for.) However, Kaela had the nicest sentiment ever, someone special asked her out through yearbook. :) Cheesy, but cute. Anywho, with today being the seniors' last day, I won't be attending school tomorrow. I have a research paper to write on the Louvre Museum, and I have to burn too many cds for my mother. Also with today being the last day for the seniors, remember the rude person mentioned previously? I sent him a text I've been wording and rewording in my head for about a week. It read:

"I got pretty much everything I wanted to say out in your yearbook, and while this is probably completely unnecessary, and I'm probably going to be embarrassed that I ever sent this, I wanted to say sorry. Sorry I had way too many blonde moments, sorry I was singing and you overheard me, sorry I provoked you to be a complete dick, sorry. I'm not being sarcastic, I just hate the year ending distastefully. I always do this. You've probably gathered who this is by now, but one last thing. I'm sorry for sending you to the office for harassment. I honestly didn't mean to; it was an accident. But I hope you have a great summer and good luck in college. Ill delete your number or whatever after this, I've just been waiting to send this for about a week. So yeah, good luck in life. :)"
"I never went to the office lol"
"Well according to everyone else you did, so my bad haha."
"Yeah kayla did though"
"Yeah I didn't mean to send her either, but I think she hates me more than you haha so I'm kinda scared to apologize."
"Its fine"
"Anyway though, I'll let you go, haha bye."
"Okay bye"

Why did him saying its fine make me feel so much better, why was I so keen on giving up the conversation at face, when inside I was more reluctant than ever. Why did the last 'bye' feel as if it was the most final? How is it possible that he can give me so much emotion when I know for certain that anything near 'liking' him is out of the question? Why does any form of kindness towards him and vice versa make me feel as if I'm on the verge of tears? And what will I do if anyone ever read this and made it publicly known? I may die of embarrassment. But for now, I'll say my day went well. Irritation, sadness, sweat, near tears, pain, unspoken fears, happiness. Every cloud has its silver lining though. Good night.

Interruptions

I'm sitting here about to head to bed. I always think way too much before bed. Well tonight, I was thinking: Millvina Dean is the last remaining survivor of the Titanic, and she was only 10 weeks old. Therefore, she doesn't remember anything except what her parents/siblings have told her. I've always wanted to meet someone historically famous, but not to be rude or disrespectful, what's the point in meeting them? They'll just repeat what every history textbook or documentary already has a detailed account of. I'd rather be the person that comes in to meet them, but I'd explain myself. I'd probably start off an introduction with: "I'm Mallory, and I'm sure three dozen of other people have already spoken to you today about the sinking of the Titanic and you're role in that historic event. I'm not sure what your personality is like, but if I was in your situation, I would become tired of constantly repeating one event over and over. So I'm here to be your listener. Anything you want to tell me, about your day, about last week, anything at all." I'd hate to recollect one event for the majority of my life. It seems as if its a tidbit monotonous, not to mention contradictory if your goal is to move forward in life. People say not to dwell on the past, except human curiosity causes us to force others to plunge into past events. (No pun intended.) Others say if you don't learn history, it will repeat itself. There has to be a balance somewhere. A balance between erasing the past completely and repeating it to the point it becomes a drag to think about. I really need to sleep, its way too late for me to be up, good thing tomorrows an easy day.
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

The Day Before

We receive our yearbooks tomorrow, hence the purple wristband I'm wearing. I'm not sure how I'm going to get all of the seniors to sign it that I want, without making a complete idiot of myself. 

Ah well, the drama llama followed me around today. Not me in particular, but everyone around me. It was very irritating and by lunch I was ready to kick some ass.

Some kid told me I just needed to go ahead and kill myself. How exciting. I can't actually get into a fight yet,  I have to receive my yearbook and have it littered with signatures and notes. I want to fill in true, real ones this year. Not the same lame ones I fill in every year.

I have no idea how I'm going to manage to have that many people sign my yearbook. I'm bound to miss someone and go 'OH FUCK' later.

All in all, today's been boring.

Extremely monotonous.

>.<

OH AND THEN MY MOTHER CALLS,

and has the audacity to request me to burn her a CD.

AFTER I burn the two I'm supposed to burn for my Aunt Rhonda,

AND make her a copy of those two.

And she'd "like it to be done by Thursday, so please hurry up and do it."

You've got to be kidding me, but ohfuckingwell, I guess I'll have to.

As well as someone stealing my World History book out of my locker the first week of school,
I guess I'll have to pay for it so I don't have a 0 as a test grade.

The Overview

Somehow you've stumbled upon my blog. Well, let me start out by saying thankyou for taking time to read this blog. Second, I'd like to tell you a tidbit about me. I'm a very detailed person. Overly detailed in all of my stories, so I'll try to keep this brief. If I don't, I apologize.

I'm Malloryy. I was born on 2/23/93 to a 15 year old girl. My father was 28 at the time, he bailed out and I have only spoken to him once in my entire life. My mother's life story is tragic and unnecessary. She's been in and out of my life ever since I can remember, and she's a recovering crack addict. I have one brother and one sister, Colby and Danica, respectively. All three of us have separate fathers. 

I've always attempted to be different, I have no idea why I do this, or why I feel the need to do this, I always have, and I suppose I always will. I had long hair once, it was down to my lower back. When I finally moved in with Tine, (whom I live with, she is my great aunt though I commonly refer to her as my grandmother.) I cut my hair off progressively shorter, until I have the cut I have now. I also have an Uncle Donald, whom is Tine's husband.

In 6th grade, I was somewhat of a poser. I attempted to be 'gothic,' or 'punk,' whatever classification you prefer. It costed me a few friendships, and some name-calling and nasty rumours. All's well that ends well, I suppose. In middle school, I was about as normal as I've ever been. Hung up on one person the duration of those two years, however. In 9th grade, I moved on, and became hung up on yet another person.

I'm now in 10th grade, and I'm sixteen years old.

I drive a green chevy cheyenne, '96 model.

Summer will be here in approximately two weeks, and June 29 - July 16, I will be travelling across South England and Paris, France.

I've had pink, purple, blue, burgundy, platinum blonde, white, black, and brown hair over the duration of 9th and 10th grade.

Currently, my hair is as short as its ever been, with platinum blonde and white.

But as I said, I'm attempting to be brief. I'll riddle this blog with past stories and current events, and I can't promise the updates, because I always forget to do my blog. Some days I have too much to say, some days I have too little. 

For now, I'll end this with:

I started this blog over a comment I heard this afternoon. The comment was, "I'd hate to know what goes on inside her mind. Her imagination is so large, it must be odd."

Well, now you'll know.