I'll come back to that though.
Three nights ago, I found out Jake and Nina were going to start dating once her divorce was finalized and that they made out.
That night was torturous. I cried until I thought I couldn't have any tears left, I stayed up until I finally caved in to a Tylenol PM and went to bed around 5 AM. Tuesday, I sat at the house all day, moped, didn't really feel like doing anything. Jake was supposed to log on, but he couldn't.
Tuesday night, the dream happened. I don't know what it was about, as my memory is fuzzy, but I do know that I woke up sad. I moped all day again on Wednesday, and I finally decided I should do something. So I went to town and hung out with the youth group at Zaxby's.
It wasn't very exciting, and I came home and started to fall into the 'i miss the late night chats i used to have with jake and i miss all the things he said to me' sadness, so i started to read. I ended up finishing the book, and I went to bed around 6 AM. This morning, I woke up so many times.
I know I dreamed, I know it involved Danica [my sister] and I know it involved Jake. But, they were two separate dreams. I just remember Danica smiling and saying 'sissy' and I just remember Jake saying 'cheer up tiger, you're still my number one.' But, when I awoke, I remembered the Jake-dream much more clearly. I was sad, so incredibly sad, by the fact that he had said exactly what I wanted to hear in the dream. I woke up at 11:55AM, I know this, because I was sad, but I thought, maybe this mean's he's online, I have to check. So I grabbed my phone and checked, with no luck.
I went back to bed and had six people text me in a timespan of 20 minutes. I was ready to strangle someone, everytime I fell back asleep, my phone went back off.
I finally got up, and got dressed, Brady stopped by and we hung out for three hours.
Then I called Kaela and decided I wanted food.
So, I headed up to Zaxby's, still on the phone, there was a semi coming straight, and I needed to make a left turn. I thought I had time, but apparently it was going faster than I realized. I slammed on brakes, then hit the gas, and made it with not even a second to spare. I was very shaken by this, and I went inside to order food, telling Kaela she could call me later, as her phone was about to die. I went inside and ordered food, and as soon as I got in the car my
"DON'T YOU EVER LET ME GET A PHONE CALL LIKE THAT AGAIN MALLORY"
"Mom, I didn't mean to"
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK YOU PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND YOU HANG UP."
"Mom, I thought I had enough time, but I'm okay."
And then I tuned her out, she bitched for a few minutes, I eventually hung up and called Tine. BUT MOM HAD BEAT ME TO IT. So I just hung up and cried for a little while. Then decided 'I'm a big girl, and big girls don't cry' So I headed home.
Now back to the 'slightly angered part.' This is going to be very explicit. So if you've never heard the word 'fuck' before, then this may be a shock.
To the person who phoned my mother: Thank you, SO FUCKING MUCH. I FUCKING THINK YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR OWN MOTHERFUCKING BUSINESS. DRIVE YOUR OWN FUCKING VEHICLE, AND LET ME WORRY ABOUT MINE, CUNT. I FUCKING HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, ASSHOLE. MY MOTHER BITCHED ME OUT AND MANAGED TO GET ME MORE UPSET THAN WHEN I ALMOST GOT PLOWED INTO THE SIDE BY A SEMI. IT'S NOT LIKE I EVEN WOULD'VE DIED, JUST BEEN HURT YOU FUCKING BITCH. YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING BUSINESS CALLING MY FUCKING MOTHER. FUCKING STALKER, HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS? FUCK YOU. I DIDN'T NEED MY MOM BITCHING ME OUT AFTER A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. NEXT TIME YOU JUST PATIENTLY WAIT FOR THE LIGHT TO TURN GREEN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, FUCKER. YOU DON'T NEED TO FUCKING CALL MY MOM AND RUN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH FOR THE PURPOSE OF 'INFORMING' HER. THERE WAS NOTHING TO INFORM, I WAS PERFECTLY FINE, AND I DIDN'T NEED MY MOM BITCHING ME OUT, ESPECIALLY WHEN I FUCKING MADE IT. SO FUCK YOU.
To my mother: DON'T FUCKING BITCH SOMEONE OUT AFTER A FUCKING NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE. AND THEN WHEN I FUCKING SAY, 'BUT I MADE IT' DON'T START FUCKING CRYING AND SAY HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART. FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME, I'M YOUR LEAST FAVORITE CHILD ANYWAY. IT DIDN'T FUCKING MATTER IF I GOT HIT, I WOULD'VE LIVED, SO QUIT BEING AN OVERDRAMATIC WHORE. [which is ironic considering this 'shouting' letter to these people.] I SWEAR, WHAT THE FUCK? 'OH DON'T FUCKING LET ME GET A CALL LIKE THAT' THEN I ACT LIKE IT DIDN'T PHASE ME AND YOU WANT TO START FUCKING CRYING AND GO ALL 'but what if my daughter would've been killed? i love you with my whole heart.' SCARY THINKING ABOUT WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED, ISN'T IT? WELL, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I ALWAYS THOUGHT AS A KID? 'what if mom never comes home, what if she overdoses? i love her oh so much.' BUT NO, YOU'RE A HEARTLESS SELF-CENTERED BITCH AND DON'T FUCKING PLAY THE 'I LOVE YOU' CARD. FUCK YOU. NEXT TIME I NEARLY DIE, JUST BUY SOME NICE FLOWERS FOR THE FUCKING FUNERAL. AND DON'T FUCKING TURN AROUND AND CALL TINE, SHE'LL RUN HER FUCKING MOUTH TO UNCLE DONALD. AND I KNOW YOU FUCKING RAN YOUR MOUTH TO EVERYONE ELSE. SO FUCK YOU. YOU JUST WANT ATTENTION, FUCKFACED FUCKER.
So on that note, I feel a little better, I'll try to keep you updated [:
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